Quotes To Live By

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use...

EYE live by these quotes

Monday, March 7, 2011

All You Need to Know is I'm Nah-da-hoe

Jay-Z: All you need to know is I'm Nah-da-hoe and to get with me, you betta be Chief Lots-of-doe...

Ever so often I hear from the self-proclaimed "not a hoe" and I listen rigorously to her claims to enthusiastically enjoy the act of sexing. She assures me that her having multiple sex partners hasn't, isn't, and will not deem her a hoe because she is grown and fully aware of the decisions she is making. And so, I remain detached. Unbiased even. Cuz keep it real, depending on who's the judge, 3 or better sex partners can be classified as a hoe and on the flip side, 50 or better may sound like a woman who knows what she likes. So I, PERSONALLY, don't want to touch on who IS and who IS NOT a hoe.  But keep in mind, ME, Just J, has no intention, no hopes, no desire on wifing you. But MAN... he's your judge and your jury.  And if you don't care what I think, please consider that man's idea of what is and is not a hoe.  After all, he has the responsibility of wifing a woman who may have had more sex partners than his whole crew.  And unless you practice: don't ask don't tell, or skeletons in the closet who remain unaccounted for, or if you've straight up lost count yourself and 8 just sounds like a perfectly reasonable body count, you may want to slow down and try NOT batting a thousand.  As trivial as it may be to you... it's something about man's territorial nature that they prefer to BELIEVE they are their woman's first, last and only... or at least the only from his block, his crew, his job, etc...

But that's neither here nor there...

My issue is this: why exactly do you have so much sex?

And not sex in quantity as much as sex partners in quantity. No judging over here, mind you. And if sex really is like a hobby, so be it!  Taking pictures is my hobby and I can shoot as many as 500 shots in a day. So no way would I put a cap on the 500 back shots you may fancy a day! But... and I say aloud BUT, I need you to realize, there is a hugeeeee gap between enjoying the act of sex and using it to find true love. So again, sex as a hobby, thumbs up, live ya life. (Protected I hope... Pls click We Were in the Kitchen When You Burned Me ). But if you have been having a truckload of sex with hopes of finding true LOVE, shoot yourself in the kneecap! Go ahead, I'll wait!

Simple analogy, if I want to get the perfect camera shot, I have to use my camera wisely. I can't take millions of shots cuz when the perfect angle, pose, frame comes along, my battery may be dead, memory card full!!  I absolutely must save space! And you, Miss Promiscuous need to save face!


If it's...

SEX 4 FUN: google "hobbies" and do some soul searching... read a book, join a gym, hell, write a blog!!  And when ALL else fails, I guess, sex as a hobby it is!

Or if...

SEX 4 LOVE: understand that sex for love is wayyy worst than sex for money.  You can't even pay your car note with love!  But how do you draw the line between avoiding the whole sex for love thing when really you're just enjoying the moment?  It's simple, stop seeking the satisfaction of an isolated moment.  Everybody wants to live in a moment and capture that immediate emotion of undeniable chemistry.  But why get caught up in a joy ride that 99% of the time has an abrupt end.  Ever been on a roller coaster that DIDN'T tell you to exit left?  But women don't seem to believe the end will be abrupt.  They think a man doing something nice or opening up to you translates into him wanting to spend the rest of his life with you.  No sooner than you're dropping the draws, he's dropping you off, never to be heard from again.  Meanwhile, your calling your phone company trying to see if a tower is down in your area because he hasn't called all week.  PSA: it's ok to hold off on sex when you have a personality!  Personality trumps, maybe not in a strip club, but definitely in a real life dating situation with a man interested in something serious.  Men don't usually wife one night standers... Possible... Just not probable!  Lure him in with your mind, then in a couple months, pull out that karma sutra move that makes his toes curl. 

But don't do this for me.  And don't simply do it for the man either.  Do it because I can always buy a new camera.  I can always pop in a new memory card.  And I keep spare batteries on deck.  But you, on the other hand, will be stuck with all your wear and tear, no chance for a tune-up and a stupid long carfax printout....

Whether I like it, you like it, or he likes it OR not, claims to love the act of sex and with multiple partners comes with consequences, a bad rep, and a label.  But hey, if you don't care... neither do I *bbm not interested face*.  But if you do care, which I imagine you do, turn in your cardboard WILL SEX 4 LOVE sign.  Quit selling yourself short.  Brush up on those good ol' personality skills.  And outsource to Great A for that occasional necessary thrill.  EYEListen.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears

You know what really grinds my gears...

When people drive straight in the turning lane... arrrgggghhhhhhh.  Who the expletive gave you the right to break the good ol' white man's laws ignoring the good ol' white arrow on the ground telling you this is a turning lane ONLY.  There are two lanes... the terribly long one that all the God-fearing, law abiding citizens lined up on to drive straight... And there's the turning lane that never has any cars in it because no one EVER turns off this road.  AND I'm still trying to figure out who signed the OK on giving the non-existing "turners" their own lane, but that's another gear-grinding for another day.  SO again, I ask, who do you think you are, huh?  Do I LOOK like I really wanted to be car #17 on this awful line of miserable, non-rewarded law abiding, road raged demons?  Don't you know I would LOVE to be on that empty turning lane laughing and flipping the bird to the 16 lined cars all staring blankly at the red light that will only turn green long enough to allow 3 cars to pass.  But I don't!  And you do!  You think your better than us?  HUH?

But it's OK...

Don't worry about it.

I'm going to rent Set It Off.

Then I'm going to get a ski mask, rob a bank, get away with 2 grand or so (don't worry, your money is insured).  I'm going to buy a hoopdie, something all black with no bumper and the grill exposed and I'm going to "play" bumper cars, ramming every car in the turning lane with no signal on.  Then I'm going to put it in reverse, then in drive again, and RAM you again.  Cuz I'm on to you... and I know what your doing.  And I want you to know, I DONT LIKE IT!

And if you just so happen to be from out of town and you drove past the line of miserable zombies thinking today was your lucky day to "find" the empty lane only to get close to that turning arrow and realize this is the turning only lane... let me apologize now for revving up my hoopdie, with the devil in my eyes and zooming toward you at 45 mph hysterically shouting... OBEY THE ARROW BIITTTCCC.... ahem, and calmly ask you to please follow the rules.

That is all.  


Quotes to Live By

"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."
- Soren Kierkegaard

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Relationship Experts: Men, Women, Or?

Keep it real, who are the relationship experts??

Women- who waste no time with lame-o's who aren't on their dean. Women, who couldn't care less about the bull and focuses on the strength and upbringing of her man and their relationship. The one who keeps the house in order, the kids in order and orders her man to be the best man he can be.


Men- who waste no time with bum chics who aren't on their dean. Men, who couldn't care less about the bull and are the protectors and the rock for his woman and their relationship. Who keeps the finances in order, the security in order and orders his woman to be the best woman she can be.

Ha! Neither!

All credit goes to the half pints, the midgets, the apples who have fallen pretty far from the tree... The kids!

Scenario A
A kid walks into school. He sizes up the class, takes mental note of the blocks section equipped with has favorite Legos and remains quite for the right time to make his move. The teacher screams "Activity time!" and this kid makes his way to those Legos. Other kids come over and instead of checking out their kicks or making sure they got fresh cuts or neat ponytails, he's passing off a few Legos telling them how his daddy built a Lego building taller than the monkey bars. An instant best friend is found, and they have already pointed out the girl they will tease.

Scenario B
A kid is at yet another adult event with 10 feet tall people all talking too much in a dialect too convoluted to be understood. Kid scans the room and immediately locks eyes with another of her height and they do a stare down until the shy kid ducks behind mommy's legs.  The brave one tells her mom she wants to go play and runs over to the shy kid. Her mom nods and the two run over to a small corner to play ring-around-the-rosy. They discuss barbies, and tell their mommy's business while pinky promising secrecy. Instant best friends!

Scenario C
True Story: My godson and neice were both 3 years old. My neice was leaning on my lap and scurried off to go get a book. Immediately my godson seizes the opportunity to take her spot leaning on my lap. When my neice returns, here's how the convo went:
Shyla: "Move Jashan" and stands on his foot
Jashan: "Godma, Shyla is on my foot"
Me: "Shyla get off Jahan's foot... Jashan did she move?"
Jashan: "Nooooo"
I move Shyla over.
Shyla: "Jashan that's why I'm not your friend!"
Jashan: "Well I'm not your friend then!"
Jashan feels bad.
Jashan: "You want my ball?"
Shyla: "No."
Jashan: looking around "You want that book?"
Shyla: "No!"
Jashan: "Well what do you want?"
Shyla: "Leave me alone!"
Jashan: instantly annoyed whispers "You don't know what you want!"
And that was probably the beginning of a life long dispute between man and woman.  But, nonetheless, 45 seconds later Go, Diego, Go was on t.v. and the two were happy again.

Moral of the story... when man and woman argue, click on Diego and POOF, instant conflict resolution.  

j/k =)

Kids have mastered the art of embracing relationships, the art of living for the moment, the art of coloring inside, outside and all over the lines!  They live life without bounds, with mommy's permission of course, and refrain from getting caught up with whatever makes them unhappy.  They avoid the kids with cooties (adult version - those we're warned to stay away from, cuz they got what we don't want), they avoid the bullies (adult version - those who don't mean well and prey on our insecurities), those in detention (adult version - troublemakers), the dropouts (adult version - those who have given up on life).  You tell a kid who's the bad guy or girl and if it's a good kid, that kid stands clear.  Because kids watch adults argue, cry, and endure hurt... so if this good kid can avoid relationship hardships by brushing past a few nuances, they are all for it.  The only pain a kid wants to feel is the kind coming from a tickle that sucks all the air out from laughing so hard!

Women will tolerate a man without a job cuz he's cute.  Men will tolerate a woman who's a birdbrain cuz she's cute.  But cute or not, a kid can't spell tolerate, dreads the idea of job and thinks bird's brains are pretty sigificant cuz they make birds fly!  A kid just wants to be happy, and pursues just that.

Therefore, the student becomes the teacher... making kids, The Relationship Experts. 

I rest my case... EYEListen.

Disclaimer: my hunny insists that I point out the fact that I'm talking about kids and not pain in the @$$ teenagers who are old enough to know something but too young to realize they don't know anything at all.  Better Kyle? lol thx

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Death to the Black Sitcom

Martinnnnn... Da-da-da-da da. Martinnnnn. How y'all feelin'... Martinnnnn, You sooo crazy!!

West Philadelphia born and raised... Yo homez smell ya later, look at my kingdom I was finally there. Sit on my thrown I'm the Prince of Bel-Air.

This the best darn elevator music I ever heard...

When you're lost out there and you're all alone, somebody is waiting to carry you home...

You couldn't tear the smile off your face after watching these shows!  Watching Martin as himself, Sha-nae-nae, Jerome in the house, and even his own mother!  Then you had brother man from the 5th floor (four fingers up).  Martin calling Pam "Un-beweaveable".  And her calling him Heady Krugar.  Or do you remember when Will was trying to teach Ashley how to be tough: Back up!  Back up!  Mind ya business, that's all, just mind ya business!  Or wait, do you remember when Rudy an'-em did that song for their grandparents singing bay-baeeeeee, you know I lovvvvveeeeee youuuu.  And how Bud swore by his brother's word: Well my brother said the woman is supposed to obey the man.  And you can't forget when Urkel made that machine and hushed everyone with "Shhhhh, NOT while I'm pouring".  This stuff was CLASSIC comedy.  Like Laugh Out Loud before the LOL was even invented!  Since those days.... Death to the Black Sitcoms!

History was made when not just the black community but the other kinds too banded together to bring back the sitcom, The Game.  Its 1st episode back had something nuts like 9 mill viewers.  Or maybe it was 7.5... Whichever, this was a black sitcom making its re-debut on black entertainment television with ratings on steroids. Something we had never seen before!  Black sitcoms stand up!!  Whoop Whoop!!  And to join The Game in the field of successful black sitcoms, we have.... Uhhhh.... Ahem... My producers are shaking their heads, dumbfounded... (Cue the crickets)...

Ok, Ok, let's not front, there's: My Wife and Kids, Everybody Hates Chris, Tyler Perry is holding it down with the hilarious House of Paine and the mediocre-ly funny Meet the Browns... And yup, of your 900+ channels on direct tv, satellite, and fios... that about sums it up.  Now don't get me wrong, black people fill up a multitude of roles on "the other kinds" shows.  But where are the Black sitcoms?  Where are the black families, the not so stereotypical black humor, the MESSAGE (said in my Damon Wayans voice)?  The Cosbys were wealthy, the Banks family was wealthy, I mean Tommy didn't have a job but Martin and them did ok for themselves.  This was black people at their best! So what went wrong?

The Audience: Blame evolution, blame gas prices, blame January's snow, but there is an obvious shift in what we find funny now-a-days!  Look around, we rely on reality shows to provide that as-close-to-real-life-as-it-can-get humor that isn't really all that funny.  Pitiful, yes, hopeless, absolutely... funny, a longshot!  In your DVD case right now you have seasons of Martin episodes that you will pop in every Thanksgiving to redirect the potential "family gathering dysfunction" which results in the whole house cracking up.  I mean really, will anyone purchase season 1 of Keeping up with the Kardashians???  I mean really??

The Attempt: Ok so a prime time slot to ease in a black sitcom is after The Game.  The Game goes off and if your not already knocked out, you're likely to watch whatever comes on next, which turned out to be Let's Stay Together.  I indulge though I'm hardly impressed. It's not really funny, I can't really connect or relate to the characters, they don't even seem to have a real connection or relate to each other!  And worst of all, its a fashion show!  The girls got their hair did and they walk around in 6 inch stripper heels on every show.  It's that stereotypical black girl attitude head jerking and fingers snapping. I'm soo over it!  The women seem to be in control and the men passively follow.  Who exactly is this a reflection of... Or better yet, a role model for??

The Absence: This is optimal timing for black writers to step in and grab the reins on this galloping stallion of an opportunity.  Hell, I wish I had screenplay writing abilities!!  I'd create a show that can reflect black unity without feeding into the fried chicken and watermelon theories.  We don't need "Yo, yo's" and "Nah Means" to relate to a storyline. The girls don't need long flowing weaves and stilettos to hold our attention.  Mrs. Huxtable was a fox!  No hootchie attire needed!  If we could get a black sitcom that isn't so consumed in embracing the alleged "black culture" we would have a better time overshadowing (not quite erasing) this color barrier line.  We, black people, know who we are.  We know what we've been through.  It's time we assimilate into society and watch shows with US behaving as just people.  We don't need to name our characters Jamal or Kita in an attempt to "represent" our people.  My best girlfriend and her husband just recently named their black kids Maddison and Jaidan.  They have a house in upstate NY with a pool and 2 cats.  And they don't eat watermelon! (Ok sorry Dah, I know you don't have Nayla and Smokey anymore and that you probably DO eat watermelon, but this is just for arguments sake!). They don't live in the city or an urban area but they are a black couple living out THEIR American dream. Can a show reflect their real BLACK lives?

Death to the black sitcom until the light bulb goes off in someone's head saying: you know what, I'm going to create a show in the idea of American concepts, values, and ideas (as twisted as some of em may be)... Then I'm going to drown it in humor appealed to by the masses.  It'll encompass family, romance, a touch of drama and of course conflict resolution (gotta have that MESSAGE).  And to top it off, I'm going to give it an all black cast. Eureka!

And if the script decided to drop the 'g' from all the -ing ending words and it was given a bit of that black people swag... Just to make it a bit more relevant, I wouldn't mind that at all! ;-) EYEListen.


Monday, December 6, 2010

Quotes To Live By

"You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself."
- Sam Levenson

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Your Homophobia Sucks, Pause

What is a heterosexual male's biggest fear?  To be robbed at gunpoint in a dark alley...Nope.  To fall in love with a girl who's reputation is bursting at the seams leaking HOE everywhere... Ummm, nah!  To wake up from a drunken night tied to a bed surrounded by butt naked midgets with whips and whipped cream all chanting a sexy umpa lumpa ritual song... weird, but not that either...

Biggest Fear: Being confused as a homosexual man

Is homosexuality really that terrible?  Or better yet, is what other people think of you really that important?  I hate it when people swear on their unborn children and sometimes on their living children that some celebrity is UBER gay... ie, Kayne, Neyo, Diddy... but keep it real, they can, are and will get more girls than any of the gossipers will  ever dream of cuz no matter how gay we speculate them to be, their MONEY is straighter than Indian hair.  Find a better gossip, or better yet, retire from gossiping!  What they eat don't... you know how it goes...

I've had many grown men tell me they could deal with their sons being serial killers and ax murderers, but let that son of a gun turn out gay!  These fathers would blow, pause, their own heads off!  And speaking of pause... OHH EMM GEE... as a young whipper snapper recording songs off the radio, PAUSE was the absolute button of choice, as it never let me down!  Never in a million years would I have predicted it to be the absolute word of choice for the heterosexual man. 

1. You crazy for hating on Lebron going to the Heat... I like Bron Bron... PAUSE.
2. Ay yo my man, I'm tryna do this modeling thing, right, right... know where I can get some head shots.. PAUSE.
3. Shorty, this steak house is the truth... the meat just melts in my mouth... MEGA PAUSE.

Do you think Sebastian or Zachery or Bob or Jackson are pausing on the golf course or in their big executive meetings?  Do you think they're pausing to their FA's when they find out the returns on their investments is going to blow their minds?  Did Biggie pause when he told that girl she looked so good made him wanna suck on her daddy's.... you know the song...

Wish I could venture back to the mid nineties when I was recording Aaliyah songs off the radio, when I purchased my Harlem World cassette tape, when I had Immature posters on my wall courtesy of Right-On Magazine, when we were pop-locking on the kiddie skate floor at Skate 22, when our biggest and only fear was the rumor that Homie da Clown was murdering kids and we swore we saw him on top of the building out my 5th grade window... back then, no one was questioning your sexuality or who you were... no pressures to defend your identity, cuz you were too busy trying to create an identity.  Now we're so busy defending an image we're letting OTHERS dictate.  An image we have to live with.  An image that should reflect what we value and believe in.  Otherwise, we wouldn't be so excessively and obsessively self conscious with extreme insecurity issues... And maybe, just maybe, this whole gay/lesbian epidemic that seems to be happening would simmer down cuz all those who are indulging in it as a "fad" would abandon their deviant behavior!  How do you think the REBEL is born, he seeks what is feared and embraces it.  But that's another issue all together...

For the pausing man, believe me when I tell you, a five letter word DOES NOT void a seemingly gay statement you've made.  Besides, your walk and that soft voice 10 years past puberty is a dead giveaway!  Just kidding!  Seriously, if your confidence level outweighs your pausing, you would be able to stand here in a Speedo and be looked at like a fudge'in hero... (Kanye's a confident lyrical genius, gay or not)

Like Jadakiss said, a real man shouldn't have to say NO HOMO... EYEListen.